Paddler's Paradise

So I've been slacking a lot on entries, which really bums me out because I don't want to forget anything. But I've been super exhausted at night and I guess also kind of lazy.

We had a little group of 6 last week, which sounds nice in theory but was actually more of a challenge than I expected. First of all it's hard to get games going with just 6 people; most of them require a bigger number to be fun. But something you don't really think about is if one out two of the group members don't hit it off, they really don't have any other choices. We had a girl named Gina who REALLY wanted to be friends with this girl named Ellen (who was obviously one of the "popular" girls at school), but Gina wasn't really that great socially and Ellen had a hard time trying to like her. She put in a good effort most of the time, but Gina is not an easy person to be friends with. But she insisted on trying to be Ellen's best friend, and would end up sad and in tears at least one a day. You obviously can't force kids to be friends, and it was clearly just not going to happen with the two of them. So I sat down with Gina and we had a talk about what a friend really is. I asked her if a friend would make her feel bad and make her cry everyday. I was trying to steer her towards maybe funding another friend in the group. But Gina refused. She said Ellen was the only one who understood her, and told me repeatedly that Ellen was "the one". I told her she had a choice--she could continue to get her feelings hurt, or she could choose to move on. She chose to get her feelings hurt. Ellen truly tried, but as I said, Gina does not make being her friend easy. So it never worked out, Gina was sad all week, and Ellen was uncomfortable and it was a tough situation for all involved.

But we got another group of campers today. They're 11 and 12 year olds, which has been a very hit-or-miss age group for me. My first group of that age was the hardest one I ever had, and the second was so wonderful that we really created some magic that week, as my director likes to call it. I'm not sure what's going to happen this week... The director likes to challenge us, and so far my challenges have all been with my staff partners. So I should have known when I ended up with a great partner who is almost just like me in both attitude and technique that that would mean I was going to have a tough group. And I do! Two kids with deaths in their families within the past few weeks. One kid who has "issues", to quote the parents, but they didn't say what those issues are so I guess it's going to be a surprise. We also have two girls with moderately serious asthma (in a group with a LOT of physical activity planned),a girl with a heart disease, and a girl with an oat allergy. Jesus.

We also have what will perhaps be the biggest challenge of all--an autistic girl named Melissa. Not like mild Asperger's, but a legitimately challenging girl. And I know my director hand-picked this group  and deliberately put Melissa in it just for me, because she knows how passionate I am about helping girls and making a difference...And also knows that I have trouble letting go once the week is over. So I'm thrilled to be working with Melissa, not only because I really love working with kids with special needs, but also because it feels like an honor that I'm the one my director trusts with this child. That's pretty huge to me and means a lot, especially because my director is literally my hero and one of the most amazing people I've ever met, so the opportunity to make her proud is something I take very seriously and feel lucky to get the chance to.

Oh yeah...did I mention this is a water program? We have special groups in camp for things like boating or hiking or swimming, and I got put with all these challenging kids in a boating program. Kayaking specifically, meaning they will be in a craft by themselves. And we go on a day-long kayaking trip at a lake an hour away, where my partner and I are completely on our own with the kids, with no one supervising us.

I think by the end of this week I'm going to be extremely exhausted, but hopefully feeling like the week was rewarding and that I did something important.

A week is not enough

Tonight I held a little girl in my arms as she sobbed and told me about things in her life no kid should have to go through, and then said that there's something she's never told anyone before and that she was scared to tell me, but that she thinks about killing herself. I did all the proper things and brought her to the right people, and then my camp director had to comfort me as I sobbed after we'd gotten my little camper smiling and feeling okay enough to go back to bed. I have a day and a half left with this girl; then I send her back to the parents, school, and system that have failed her, and join in the chorus of "I did everything I could" that follows the girl throughout her life, and wonder if any of us really did. And feel helpless knowing that yes, I have given her a great week and have been an adult that she felt safe coming to with things SO huge that she's never trusted anyone with before... but in less than 48 hours I will probably never see or hear from her again. I always, always tell my campers that if they are upset or hurt or angry or in any way unhappy, to come to me and I promise I will fix it. And up till now, there's not been a single time that I couldn't fix it. But I can't this time. I'm so grateful that she trusted me and I know I've given her everything I have this week...but a week is not enough. I have so much more I could give to her, but I can't.

I know that I have wonderful, amazing friends and family that have some incredibly loving and comforting words for me about how I've made a difference, and I love you all from the bottom of my heart. It's just that I don't want this entry to be about me. That's not why I'm posting it. I don't know why I am, really. I guess because I just experienced something that will weigh on my heart for a very, very long time and have nothing else to do with the grief and anger and sadness for a child that for me, will disappear from my life forever in two days, but who will still be lost out there, existing and struggling and I will never know if she ever finds the help she needs or grows up or is happy. There's nothing else for me to do with it but to write it down to make sure I never, ever forget her and what happened tonight, even if part of me badly wants to forget.

Gnome Homes

So at camp, we have this little tradition called Gnome Homes. It's where the kids build little houses for the "gnomes" that live at camp to live in, usually out of sticks and leaves and other nature-y stuff. Then they write the gnomes a note and leave it in the house they built. The counselors go around at night and collect them, then write back as the gnomes. For some reason, all of the kids are always FANATICAL about these things. Kids walk into camp for the first time ever, having already heard about Gnome Homes and asking when we can build them. Even our oldest campers, such as my twelve year olds, still believe in the gnomes. My partner and I wrote back to the first round of letters, and they were so absolutely adorable that I had to share them. My responses to them follow. :)

Aaaand We're Back

I haven't updated for a little while. We were on break this past week, and I want feeling well for the last two days of the session before that so I took those days off, so I haven't had much of a chance to update. But our new session started today so it's time to get back to it. :)

Last week I went with a group of nine other girls to Denali, where we hiked for several miles, and camped out near a lake (we were in the Triple Lakes section of Denali, if anyone is interested) and got up the next morning to hike some more. It was supposed to be a 3 night/4 day trip, but I realized early on the second day that it wasn't going to be a relaxing break for me if I continued. My camp director, who I absolutely idolize and who gets me surprisingly well, asked me before I left if I was sure this kind of break would be what I needed to recharge. I told her I thought it'd be good for me to get out of camp (I'd had a tough end of last week) and went on my merry way. Turns out, I should have listened to her. I pictured the trip being more relaxing, like setting up camp then spending the day hanging out, maybe exploring a little, taking pictures, just enjoying being in the stunning nature that surrounded us. But that didn't happen. Everyone else had a different idea, and they were all go-go-go, wanting to get up immediately and hike as far and as fast as we could and move camp to somewhere elseand overall just be very active. So that combined with constantly being surrounded by 9 people led to me feeling very burnt out by just the second morning. At camp we talk a lot about introverts and extroverts, which really don't necessarily have much to do with how outgoing or shy you are; it's what costs you the most energy and what recharges it. So introverts, though they might enjoy being around people, use up their energy doing so, and recharge when they are alone. Extroverts spend more energy being alone, and recharge by being social. I am definitely an introvert, as pretty much anyone who knows me would know. I ended the last session burnt out, feeling like a failure, and exhausted, I needed the time to re-energize for the next (this) week and I realized that want going to happen.

So I spoke up, and said that I needed to go home (to camp). I explained that it wasn't the hiking or the camping or the rain or even the specific people, but that it wasn't actually going to be a break for me if I stayed, and that that was what I needed. I'm actually really proud of myself for recognizing my own needs, and then speaking up about it. I don't think that's something I would have done before I came to camp. We focus a LOT on communication in our staff training (yes we continue training all summer) and I've really learned and grown in that area, which has always been something I've struggled with.

So I came back to camp, where hardly anyone was, and spent the last two days of break sleeping, reading, and playing too much Candy Crush, and it was perfect. I went into this week strong.

We have ten 11 and 12 year old girls this week, which I'm somewhat apprehensive about after having had such a tough time with that age group a couple weeks ago. But I'm hopeful for this week. So far I really like the girls and I think we might actually have the potential to be a pretty fantastic group if my staff partner and I can cultivate it.

My staff partner is actually one of my biggest challenges this week. We've shared a tent the past couple weeks, and we are good friends and have a pretty good bond...But we have VERY different styles with the kids. She is very strict and follows every rule to the letter, and I feel like she's too confining. My attitude towards camp is that it's a special week, and while it's absolutely crucial to enforce some boundaries and be consistent, I think those boundaries can be a little looser. So let them get dirty or whisper after lights out or eat with their hands or stomp in puddles. None of those things hurt anybody, and it makes the kids' time at camp more special. Like my partner told a camper who was wearing rain boots to not walk through puddles. Well...why not? Like literally, what is the reason? I think that something that has come with age is recognizing that kids are kids and that some rules don't actually have reasons beyond just enforcement for the sake of it. But most of these counselors are 18 to 20, and I know that that was something I didn't think about at that age. I feel like at that time you're focusing on discipline, because you're just barely not a kid yourself and being in charge of little humans is kind of a new thing. Plus, you get to go from being bossed around to being the boss. ;) Which is fun. But I think enforcing strict rules for the sake of it is focusing on your own camp experience, like getting them to bed early or being quiet at the dinner table, and it's not about us; it's about the campers. What can we do to make the campers' experiences be safe but happy ones, with the little magic that comes with summer camp? Sometimes it means sacrificing your own craving for silence to sing yet another camp song, or playing another game when you're exhausted, or waiting for them to change clothes yet again because you let them play in the mud. It's more work for us...But it's not about us. My philosophy is to say yes when you can, and to really think about why you're saying no and if it's for the campers' benefit or for your own.

ANYWAY. I wasn't planning on getting all philosophical there, my original point was to explain the big difference between my partner and myself, and how figuring out how to work together is challenging. Which I think is a big reason my camp director put us together in the first place; she's just as dedicated to inspiring growth in her staff as she is in the campers.

I will leave off there for now and hopefully get another entry in tomorrow. I don't want to forget a single thing about this summer.