A week is not enough

Tonight I held a little girl in my arms as she sobbed and told me about things in her life no kid should have to go through, and then said that there's something she's never told anyone before and that she was scared to tell me, but that she thinks about killing herself. I did all the proper things and brought her to the right people, and then my camp director had to comfort me as I sobbed after we'd gotten my little camper smiling and feeling okay enough to go back to bed. I have a day and a half left with this girl; then I send her back to the parents, school, and system that have failed her, and join in the chorus of "I did everything I could" that follows the girl throughout her life, and wonder if any of us really did. And feel helpless knowing that yes, I have given her a great week and have been an adult that she felt safe coming to with things SO huge that she's never trusted anyone with before... but in less than 48 hours I will probably never see or hear from her again. I always, always tell my campers that if they are upset or hurt or angry or in any way unhappy, to come to me and I promise I will fix it. And up till now, there's not been a single time that I couldn't fix it. But I can't this time. I'm so grateful that she trusted me and I know I've given her everything I have this week...but a week is not enough. I have so much more I could give to her, but I can't.

I know that I have wonderful, amazing friends and family that have some incredibly loving and comforting words for me about how I've made a difference, and I love you all from the bottom of my heart. It's just that I don't want this entry to be about me. That's not why I'm posting it. I don't know why I am, really. I guess because I just experienced something that will weigh on my heart for a very, very long time and have nothing else to do with the grief and anger and sadness for a child that for me, will disappear from my life forever in two days, but who will still be lost out there, existing and struggling and I will never know if she ever finds the help she needs or grows up or is happy. There's nothing else for me to do with it but to write it down to make sure I never, ever forget her and what happened tonight, even if part of me badly wants to forget.